The Unseen Ordeal

The Unseen Ordeal - Another way Motherhood is like Shamanism

Sigyn and Loki

With ordeals like Odin’s, it’s nine days and then it’s over. It’s the plucking of an eye and then it’s over. I mean no disrespect, but Sigyn didn’t know when or even if Her ordeal would ever be over. Not to mention no mother ever gets over the ordeal of losing a child, something Odin also understood.  But there is no glamour: you do what’s right, and you do it again and again and again, and that’s very unpopular. There’s no glamour, no sweeping gestures, and no one to sing your praises. The heart is a terrible thing.
                                 -Fuensanta Arismendi, Who is Sigyn?

I love this so much. It can be said not only of Sigyn but also of Frigga who strove so hard to keep her son safe but to no end, Baldr's death still came to pass and she lost him.

Frigga and Baldr

As a mother of a miscarried child and a mother of a living son - I feel this pain in my heart as well and I mourn for the lost sons and I mourn for the mothers who carry their burdens without end. There is nothing glamorous about being a mother and carrying on with duty without fail. There is nothing shiny about seeing fate and having to accept it.

Susun Weed says mothers are invisible, a woman's work is invisible, so no great tales were told, no songs sung, of what is in a mother's heart, even when she is a Goddess.

My heart is broken for my Gods.

Resources for a Blessing a Baby

I am working hard at putting together a baby blessing ceremony for my son. The ceremony is entirely created by us but we will be pulling from some prayers, poems, and methods we've found on Heathen, Northern Pagan Trad, Pagan, Wiccan, and other baby blessing sites. I thought I would share those resources I am using here. I will go in more depth about the ceremony later.

Resources

Pregnancy & Birth in the North Tradition (I mostly just glimpsed through here as my son will be a day away from his first birthday at his ceremony)

Northern Pagan Tradition Blessing for a Newborn
Frigga Goddess of Mothers (prayer)
Frigga Plea to the All-Mother (prayer)
Frigga To Mother in My Fear (prayer)
Prayer to Nerthus to Bless a Pregnancy
Njord Ritual to Bless a Father to be

For Mothers who have lost a child - Sigyn Mother of Rokkr


Blessing for a Heathen Child

Meeting Ullr

My son is running a fever. I believe its in connection to teething as he might be getting one of his eye teeth (K9 teeth) earlier than expected and they "stomach teeth" as my family calls them, tend to be the most problematic with teething symptoms such as fevers and diarrhea. I share this because I am stressed out about it. My son, other than the little bit of colic during his first weeks, hasn't been sick and I'm always wondering if this is a bad thing for his immune system. Now that he has a fever I'm blending my natural remedies with allopathic medicines my relatives press upon me along with prayer and energy healing.
I've asked Frigga for aid as she is not only My Lady but also the Goddess of mothers and children. I go to her for this sort of thing rather than Eir who I see more as the healer of wounds and the nurse at the battle field.
When I went to Frigga she gave me comfort and my son but also said that I should not worry, that he was protected. I assumed she meant by her.
When I came back down from Fensalir, I meditated while nursing my son and allowed myself to journey to my own astral spaces where I can keep calm, tether myself when journeying, etc. In one of these spaces in an anchor I created when I was pregnant for a shield for my son. Here I can tend to his shielding and care and it is usually a smallish, dark space dominated by the egg that is my son and his shield for his energy body.
I was stunned when I entered this space to find my darling egg was not alone. I do not even allow my husband here. This place is sacred and, to me, like a womb. To find someone within was startling and put me in a predatory, protective mind-set I don't know that I've felt before.

There, beside my son was a man kneeling. He held onto a pole like a staff only thin, and was dressed in furs. Over his long, wind-swept, dark hair he wore a cap and I could not readily make out a face through his dark beard.
I know I said something along the lines of "how dare you be here" and demanded he tell me who he is and what he wanted while at the same time determined to make him leave. When he looked up I knew he wasn't human. I wondered a moment if he was Odin, my husband's Patron deity, who I would have understood somewhat being present as my husband too is worried about our son.
I knew, as soon as I had the thought, however, that I was wrong.
The God grew and grew. His hands were massive and he stood so tall I had to crane my head back to see him. I asked again, frightened this time, who he was.
Ullr
He then turned and left.
Shaken I tended to my son and wondered where I had heard the name before.

Boksta Runestone

My research on Ullr came up successful in that he does exist and others work with him but scant as to why on hearth he would be watching over my son.
Ullr is the god most known for skiing and archery as well as winter.
Some believe, due to archaeological finds and traces, that Ullr might actually be older than the gods. It is likely that his "mask" or aspect that we know of now is one developed over time and he has evolved from something much more primal such as a god of winter, darkness, even death.
While lore says he is the son of Sif and could have connections to Thor, Egill, and Svipdag, others feel these might be the faint reachings of Christians trying to place a God they otherwise can't wrap around.
He is also a god of oaths and his oaths are ones made over rings.

None of the above explains a connection to my son who is Autumn-born and too young for winter activities much less hunting. I then wondered if he was there to speak to me as I am both a child of winter and an amateur archer married to an adept hunting archer and my protective instinct warded him off before we could connect.
I do intend to attempt a connection again when I have more energy. For now I am recuperating after little sleep and much stressing over my wee one.

Ullr's Shrine

April - Inguz - Motherhood

Today I had a plan to get a lot done on my business websites and blogs. I had a to-do list with several detailed lines on drafting blog posts, newsletters, prepping photos, and so on.
Like so often happens with best laid plans and intentions, it all went to hell first thing this morning. The to-do list didn't even have a chance.
I had a fight with my mother, which, some readers who know me know that is not unusual. My mother and I have a strained relationship that goes through waves of highs and lows, usually the highs look like normal mother-daughter relationships and the lows are...really low. We are entering a low and, as usual in a low, I'm not seeing a way out of it right now.
In the past, when this happens, I have a tendency to wallow in my anger like a pig in mud, a mud warmed by anger then cooling to a tepid depression. Enough of a metaphor?
This time, however, I have a baby boy who has already shown that he is very sensitive to momma's moods so I knew I couldn't harbor these emotions for long or bring him into my mud bath with me.
After a long talk with my husband and getting out my hurt feelings into tears and words, I kissed him and my baby, grabbed some fresh towels, and took a hot shower.
I scalded myself in the water, steaming up the whole bathroom. This is how I cleanse and think. It is the best place for me to meditate now that I have a baby (its the only time I'm alone right now). The steamy air clouds around me and I am transported through the mists into Fensalir.
I climbed the stone steps up to my lady's hall. I pass the pillars and enter the interior hall of stone and great beams of grey wood like the driftwood of the beginning of the worlds. Off to each side of me are dark archways that lead to other rooms and halls (part of me knows that one day I will explore these places but today is not that day).
Ahead of me is the raised dias on which my lady stands. At the bottom step is a handmaiden dressed in a blue dress with her brown hair intricately braided. She is spinning on a wheel that I do not recognize - something between my own spinning which that requires a chair and the kind that Ghandi used to use. I note its strangeness and will look into it later. My goal is up the steps.
I stop at the bottom step and lower my eyes. I request an audience with Frigga. She says nothing but I feel that I am welcome. I climb the steps.
At the top of the platform is a chair - a throne in its use but really little more than a great wooden chair, nothing fancy but sturdy and lovely in its simplicity. Frigga stands beside it with her back to me, facing a large hearth in which a low fire burns. Another handmaiden is here, this one dark blonde but in similar dress, and is prepping some sort of herbal mix in a ceramic pot at the hearth.
I tell Frigga of my struggles, my sadness, my anger and I ask her if I am in the wrong for feeling this way. It takes a moment before Frigga turns to me. She gives me a small smile, one of concern and care. She places her hands on my shoulders and suddenly I am wrapped in a warm cloak - blue with a white collar with blue embroidery. It is warm and luxurious and comforting beyond belief.
She tells me things I do not want to share here - these are private and wonderful and nurturing. I lock them in my heart for now.
Frigga invites me to stay as long as I like to contemplate her words. She then hands me a stone - a rune the side of my palm though oblong. On it is a rune I recognize but could not yet name - I am just starting on my rune journey.
I returned to my shower slowly, tears ran down my face and mingled in the cleansing hot water. I smile and let them fall until I cannot cry anymore. I then leave the shower and dry off.
I take time to braid my hair as best I can - it isnt very long yet. I dress in clothes I like. I hug and kiss on my son and make my husband something to eat. I feel lighter, I can breathe easily.
After I settle I look online for the rune:

Inguz
Resting, gestation, internal growth, expectation, time for oneself
A seed begging to grow. (as I write I notice I wanted to write beginning but instead I typed begging...there are no coincidences)
Today is the first day that was warm enough to go out in short sleeves.
I put my son in our wrap carrier and went outside. I watched my baby touch spruce branches with awe, ponder sounds of birds and cars up the hill at the road, peeped in the green house, and looked at the garden beds awaiting seeds and plants.

We will be spending the weekend working in the greenhouse and outside, preparing the garden.
I think about Inguz. It is a masculine rune connected with Freyr. In this case it is the action of that first growth - the start. It isn't the womb but the bursting forth of new life deep in the ground where it cannot yet be seen. It is a promise of the energy rising, reaching the sun-Sunna, and transformational power not only for itself but also for the animal or person-animal that eats it - nourishment magick.
I am in this stage and while I can only guess, the seed might feel some pain as it cracks open to the moisture of the ground and begins to put out a sprout and roots.
I am putting out roots here in Meadow Lakes. I have found a home and I will grow here, reaching for the sun and nourishing those around me, gaining nourishment from them.
The plant does not worry about nourishing the animal half a world away. It does not worry about nourishing those nearby. It focuses on reaching towards the sun, focuses on drinking deep, focuses on growing its seed and nurturing it. I will do the same.
This rune also references the inner-child. The inner-child that seeks not only acceptance but also a mother's pride. The inner-child that fears even after a decade, even after 5000 miles. The inner-child that now turns to a goddess who takes care of children left out in the cold by mothers past and now and carries them with her on the wild hunt - the same wild hunt that happens one night after my birthday.
In divination, a reverse or "negative" reading could mean movement without change. I reflect on how I am constantly in this cycle with my mother. Susun Weed in her book says life is a cycle and how we are always returning to these times in our life, these events, decisions, illnesses, and so on and how we learn something new. This isn't to be considered outside of health. This is part of health, part of us. She recommends acceptance and Nourishment - a word that keeps coming up for me. How can I nourish myself in this situation and time. What do I need for nourishment? What does a seed need to gestate?
Good soil - if the soil the seed started in isn't working, move it. I moved to Alaska and was brought to Meadow Lakes by a series of events.
Sunshine - a shining light, goals, hope, knowing that things can get better even in the valleys and tunnels of life. The silver lining - knowing that the valleys might be low but they are fertile and usually beautiful if one will only look around. Sure, they don't have the far seeing vistas of mountain tops but they have meadows - I will have to focus on seeing heaven in a wild flower.
Air to breathe. Pollution, negative thoughts, bad programming, and more.
Water - cleansing, renewing, life giving water. My son's smiles, my lover's arms. Scalding showers.
Inguz

A Welcome to Motherhood and Handmaidenhood from Frigga

I conceived my son on New Years Eve of 2015 and gave birth on October 9th. This not only makes him a Ram of the Chinese Zodiac but also a Libra. I have my work cut out for me as a new mom with a little boy who, at the time of this writing, is 3 months old, is already frustrated he can't walk, and believes the best way to get my milk to let down is to head-but my breast like a goat.

If you were to ask the teenage or early-twenties version of me, I never thought I would be a mother. I considered myself a pretty selfish person who didn't like children and wanted to spend her life traveling, writing, and reading while drinking copious amounts of tea. Then again, if you were to ask the teenage version of me if I would ever fall in love and get married, I would have said no, that dating was just fine - I met Lover when I was 18 and married him when I was 21.
Its strange to think of this as most of my friends that I've made since moving to Alaska in 2012 have said they always thought I was a very maternal sort of person who they knew would make a great mom. When I told them I didn't want kids until 2013, they were surprised.

2013 was a big change for me in many ways, not only because I was still adjusting to life in the great wild North, but because I also had my first pregnancy and experience the pain an grief of miscarriage that year. I mention it now, not to have anyone feel bad for me but because it was a catalyst for some major changes in my life.
2014 I began the journey to get healthier in both my physical body but also my energy body. I also connected with the spiritually minded women in my community. I also began to see and dream of a divine female entity who emitted the vibrations of loving mother, dutiful wife, and diplomatic queen as well as connecting to land spirits at the end of that year when we moved to the marshlands of Meadow Lakes.

Visitations from the female deity continued but it wasn't until the beginning of this year (2016) that I learned that it was Frigga, Norse Goddess, Queen of the Aesir, and Wife of Odin/Mother of Balder. I have never had much connection with the northern traditions or pantheons so it wasn't until I was researching an author I liked that I clicked on link and link and link until seeing the image and name Frigga. That was her!
The recognition and acknowledgement opened a door - more like busted it wide open.

Frigga is here and she has something to say - this blog is part of that.
As the Disclaimer says and this intro implies - this is a blog of my own experiences with Frigga and her handmaidens. This is not based on lore or the re-constructionist heathen beliefs. I hope that if you're reading this that you will keep an open mind.

Blessings